Big Tech Power Rankings
september 8 2025
NVIDIA
jensen skips the trump knob-gobble dinner. the only guy who's acting like he's been here before. when you're up 30 in the fourth quarter, you just don't need to go out of your way to suck up to the refs.
NVIDIA
jensen skips the trump knob-gobble dinner. the only guy who's acting like he's been here before. when you're up 30 in the fourth quarter, you just don't need to go out of your way to suck up to the refs.
sundar knob-gobbled trump at his dinner. otherwise, a big twist from the us government: they decide to let the boys play and say (basically) no action required as penalty for being a search monopoly. also, google is now so good at ai that apple is begging them to save siri.
sundar knob-gobbled trump at his dinner. otherwise, a big twist from the us government: they decide to let the boys play and say (basically) no action required as penalty for being a search monopoly. also, google is now so good at ai that apple is begging them to save siri.
MICROSOFT
satya and bill gates both knob-gobbled trump at his dinner. otherwise, another quiet week for microsoft. oddly silent, which could imply they are gearing up for something big to pop, or more interestingly, doing a margin call (the movie) and unloading positions before the bomb drops. $25b worth of willing buyers at a fair market price this week, so this could be the biggest open secret in town.
MICROSOFT
satya and bill gates both knob-gobbled trump at his dinner. otherwise, another quiet week for microsoft. oddly silent, which could imply they are gearing up for something big to pop, or more interestingly, doing a margin call (the movie) and unloading positions before the bomb drops. $25b worth of willing buyers at a fair market price this week, so this could be the biggest open secret in town.
AMAZON
earlier this year, apple got wrecked because siri sucked while amazon was on stage telling you alexa plus could call a car for your mom at the airport. eight months later and either nobody has alexa plus or nobody likes it, yet apple is still the one with egg on its face. well played by amazon in messaging, at minimum.
AMAZON
earlier this year, apple got wrecked because siri sucked while amazon was on stage telling you alexa plus could call a car for your mom at the airport. eight months later and either nobody has alexa plus or nobody likes it, yet apple is still the one with egg on its face. well played by amazon in messaging, at minimum.
PALANTIR
the cto attended the trump knob-gobbling dinner. on the other hand, ceo alex karp complained nobody knows what the hell they're doing with llms. seems like he's just annoyed all the time these days, telling anyone who will listen that they are an idiot.
PALANTIR
the cto attended the trump knob-gobbling dinner. on the other hand, ceo alex karp complained nobody knows what the hell they're doing with llms. seems like he's just annoyed all the time these days, telling anyone who will listen that they are an idiot.
ANTHROPIC
despite (or perhaps because of) making a prediction six months ago that half of code would be ai-generated in 3-6 months and being not even close to right, dario got 13 billion dollars and all he gave up was his moral high ground.
ANTHROPIC
despite (or perhaps because of) making a prediction six months ago that half of code would be ai-generated in 3-6 months and being not even close to right, dario got 13 billion dollars and all he gave up was his moral high ground.
OPENAI
a company accused of being a ponzi scheme announces a new pyramid scheme. first, fidji simo gets them to buy a feature flag company for $1b in stock so she can work with her cool buddy again. then, they announce a stock sale for $10b, so that guy, jony, and employees who got meta offers can get paid (definitely not ponzi). finally, fidji says their strategy for monetizing chatgpt is "do herbalife but instead of juice its knowing what ai is" (definitely not pyramid). somehow the strategy from the architect of the biggest ads business ever is not just dropping ads into the completely blank chatbot screen while it does "thinking" for 4 minutes.
OPENAI
a company accused of being a ponzi scheme announces a new pyramid scheme. first, fidji simo gets them to buy a feature flag company for $1b in stock so she can work with her cool buddy again. then, they announce a stock sale for $10b, so that guy, jony, and employees who got meta offers can get paid (definitely not ponzi). finally, fidji says their strategy for monetizing chatgpt is "do herbalife but instead of juice its knowing what ai is" (definitely not pyramid). somehow the strategy from the architect of the biggest ads business ever is not just dropping ads into the completely blank chatbot screen while it does "thinking" for 4 minutes.
COINBASE
stripe announced a new blockchain for stablecoins for real, actual business stuff. coinbase, basically the only crypto exchange to not go bankrupt or have its founders imprisoned, is not involved. funny how an industry created to fight the dollar backed banking system is kept on life support by a dollar backed banking system.
COINBASE
stripe announced a new blockchain for stablecoins for real, actual business stuff. coinbase, basically the only crypto exchange to not go bankrupt or have its founders imprisoned, is not involved. funny how an industry created to fight the dollar backed banking system is kept on life support by a dollar backed banking system.
APPLE
tim cook simped so hard at the trump dinner the internet counted his thank yous. he's pulling out all the stops to save apple's supply chain, except for, like, developing a new product worth supplying. iphone 17 'hot air' announcement next week. the one not-dark spot is google's win means apple doesn't immediately lose $20b a year.
APPLE
tim cook simped so hard at the trump dinner the internet counted his thank yous. he's pulling out all the stops to save apple's supply chain, except for, like, developing a new product worth supplying. iphone 17 'hot air' announcement next week. the one not-dark spot is google's win means apple doesn't immediately lose $20b a year.
X
elon did not attend the trump dinner, but he definitely wanted to. shockingly, twitter's policy on fighting governments over free speech does not seem to apply when the government is autocratic. very very shocking. never could've seen this coming. only moving up because "more of the same" for x is less annoying that "more of the same" for mark.
X
elon did not attend the trump dinner, but he definitely wanted to. shockingly, twitter's policy on fighting governments over free speech does not seem to apply when the government is autocratic. very very shocking. never could've seen this coming. only moving up because "more of the same" for x is less annoying that "more of the same" for mark.
META
zuck sat next to trump at the dinner. what looked at first like him being terrible at knob-gobbling turned out to be him actually forgetting how trump had told him to do it. never been more convinced zuck himself is an llm: parrots ideas with a 6-12 month delay, hallucinates answers when he doesn't know, fails at the most basic tasks (e.g. behave like a human), requires insane amounts of money to function.
META
zuck sat next to trump at the dinner. what looked at first like him being terrible at knob-gobbling turned out to be him actually forgetting how trump had told him to do it. never been more convinced zuck himself is an llm: parrots ideas with a 6-12 month delay, hallucinates answers when he doesn't know, fails at the most basic tasks (e.g. behave like a human), requires insane amounts of money to function.
TESLA
elon says 80% of tesla's revenues will come from robots, and then marc benioff shares a video of a robot failing to do literally anything other than walk like it just shit its pants. also they've changed the definition of fsd (full self driving) to replace "autonomous" with "supervised," which doesn't sound like something you'd describe as full or self driven. the board is deep in the k hole with elon and believes they should give him a trillion dollars for all this excellent forward progress.
TESLA
elon says 80% of tesla's revenues will come from robots, and then marc benioff shares a video of a robot failing to do literally anything other than walk like it just shit its pants. also they've changed the definition of fsd (full self driving) to replace "autonomous" with "supervised," which doesn't sound like something you'd describe as full or self driven. the board is deep in the k hole with elon and believes they should give him a trillion dollars for all this excellent forward progress.